When your ex texts you, do not reply straight away. First sort the message: frightening, practical, hostile, emotional or an apology. A threat goes to the safety page. A practical ask gets one logistics line. Emotional or hostile messages with no shared tie usually get no reply, a 90-second reset and a log.
Should I respond to my ex?
Usually not tonight, and sometimes not at all. A reply is worth sending when something real depends on it: the children, a lease, money, belongings or work. It is rarely worth sending when the message is "hey", "I miss you" or a jab, because those messages are built to start a conversation.
What you do in the next ten minutes matters more than the exact words. This tool slows that window down and gives you one thing to do in it. For the longer version, read what to do when your ex texts you during no contact.
How the decision tree works
It is a plain sort with no scoring and no hidden profile. You can paste the message first if you like, then choose which kind of message it is. Each answer leads to the next question or to your result.
- Optionally paste the message. The tool scans it on your device for threat wording and for practical words.
- If a threat phrase turns up, the safety panel appears before anything else.
- Choose what the message says: frightening, practical, hostile, warm or emotional, or an apology.
- Answer one follow-up question, such as what the practical part is about or whether you share a real tie.
- Read your result. Every result has a back button, so you can try a different answer and compare.
Where each kind of message ends up
These are the routes the tool takes. The right-hand column is what you will actually be asked to do.
| The message | Route | Your next step |
|---|---|---|
| A threat, or "I know where you are" | Safety page first | Do not reply. Save it, tell someone and contact an advocate. See the safety page. |
| Kids, pick-up, rent, keys, their stuff | One-line logistics reply | Copy a short template, fill in the brackets, send once. |
| Hostile, and you share a real tie | Grey rock | Reply flat and brief, or use the grey rock reply builder. |
| Hostile, with no shared tie | No reply | Archive or mute. Block if it continues. |
| "Hey", "how are you", "I miss you", "happy birthday" | No reply, 90-second reset, log it | Run the urge reset, then write down what they sent and how it felt. |
| An apology, or "can we talk" | Reflection prompts | Answer the questions on paper first, then use should I text my ex? if you are still unsure. |
What are the threat words, and why does the tool look for them?
The scan looks for a short fixed list of phrases such as "kill", "I know where", "watching you", "you will regret", "come over" and "hurt you". If one appears, the tool shows hotlines and safety steps before any advice about replying. Going quiet, or even sending a calm answer, can change how a person acts, so replying is the wrong first move if you may be in danger.
The scan is crude. It will miss threats that use other words, and it can flag an old joke or a quote. If your gut says the message is frightening, choose that option yourself. The US National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, and your local emergency number is always the first call if you are in immediate danger.
What a good one-line reply looks like
A practical reply has three parts: the answer, the time, nothing else. "Yes, that works. I will have Sam ready at 5 on Friday." There is no "hope you are well", no explanation and no apology. Each extra sentence is something they can answer.
Send it once, in writing, and ideally in one place such as email or a co-parenting app. If they reply with something personal, answer only the practical part or do not answer. When the exchanges are routinely hostile, switch to the grey rock method.
What if the message is "I miss you" or "happy birthday"?
Warm messages from an ex are the hardest to ignore because they work. They land on the exact wish you have been trying to put down. The advice is the same as for a hostile one: no reply, a 90-second reset, and a log of what came in and what you felt.
Logging does something quiet but useful. After a few entries you can see when they tend to write, which days hurt, and how long the pull lasts. That is easier to spot on paper than in your head at 1 a.m.
Is what I paste private?
Yes. The tool runs entirely in your browser. A pasted message is scanned for warning and practical words on your device and then cleared from the box. It is not sent, stored or read by us. Close the tab and everything is gone.
Common questions
My ex texted me. What do I do?
Do nothing for the first ten minutes. Put the phone down, then sort the message: frightening, practical, hostile, emotional or an apology. Frightening messages go to the safety page, practical ones get one line, and the rest usually get no reply. Run the decision tree for the version that fits.
Should I respond to my ex?
Reply when something real depends on it, such as children, money, a lease or work, and keep it to one line. Do not reply to "hey", "I miss you" or a jab. If you are unsure, wait until tomorrow and do a 90-second reset first. Few messages from an ex expire overnight.
What if my ex texts me on my birthday or theirs?
A birthday message is still contact, and it is usually an emotional one. In no contact the answer is no reply. Outside no contact, a short, kind line is your call, but expect it to open a conversation. Log it either way.
Is it okay to ignore a text from my ex?
Yes. Unless the message is about a real shared tie, you do not owe an answer. Silence is a complete reply. If the text is frightening, ignoring it is also fine, but save it and tell someone you trust.
What if my ex apologizes and wants to talk?
Take a day. Write down what they are apologizing for, what they offer to change and what you want from a conversation. If this has happened before, list what changed last time. Then decide, rather than answering from the first feeling.
What if I already replied?
It happens, and it is a data point, not a failure. Note what the message was, what time it was and what you were feeling. If you are in no contact, restart the count the next morning and tighten the rule closest to the slip.